BlackChampagne -- no longer new; improvement also in question.: Bear... Force... One!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Bear... Force... One!
Saw this link on Perez Hilton and laughed, and when I started ICQ a friend about it, I realized I had enough to say to turn it into a blog entry.
It's absurdly campy and gay (obviously), but I didn't think the music was that bad. I'll never listen to it again, but I watched most of the video (jaw slightly agape) and let the song run on while I clicked to another tab, and it was kinda catchy. My praise might sound rather faint, but I last about 30 seconds with most random musical links I see, and considerably less than that with most pop songs, so I'm damn near raving on this one.
More substantially, the underlying "bear" concept bemuses me. That men are into objectifying and categorizing themselves and the objects of their sexual desires is not news to anyone. It is interesting to compare how gay men create and adopt these various "types" and how it's (apparently, to my outsider POV) not a big deal. My impression is that women are far less willing to be subdivided in such fashion, and if a heterosexual man says he's only attracted to Japanese women, or aerobics instructors, or busty redheads, etc, he's likely to offend most women within, and nearly all women without, his target demographic. Men, gay men especially, are more accepting of this kind of behavior since they're men themselves, and know how the male mind works. Not all of us lock in so specifically on a type, but quite a few of us do, either positively or negatively. I like all types of women, and personality/intellect/wit is far more important than looks, but just going by a "type," I much prefer thin, athletic women with longish hair, usually of a darker/ethnic complexion. Conversely, I have never been attracted to the busty "blonde bombshell" look that most guys seem to adore. Pam Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith, Marilyn Monroe, etc... do nothing for me. Actively disinterested. Why? No idea.
Returning to the gay issue though, I have never felt less gay than I did after watching that Bear4ce video. I'm not repulsed by gay activity (and what a strange world we live in that I feel a need to disclaimer that up front?), and like most straight men I'm rather an aficionado of lesbians (the hot, lipstick kind who also like men and exist only in porn, on the Howard Stern show, and at colleges you do not attend), but I simply can not imagine how anyone would want to have sex with one of the guys on the "Bear4ce," talented singers and dancers though they may be. I don't mean I am confused by gay attraction either; I never understand how women are interested in men either. I have come to realize that they do, and that it's even possible that some women are attracted to me, but that's an entirely intellectual appreciation, and I have to remind myself of it regularly. I don't understand why and I can not empathize, but trust me, never a day goes by when some typical male behavior doesn't cause me to thank Darwin for natural selection and the biological reproductive urges that somehow make women willing to spend time in our loathsome, sausage-fingered presence.
As for those gay dudes, I find them unbearable. They're all pudgy and hairy and bearded, and in no possible world can I imagine being sexually attracted to that. I think a beard (the kind that grows on a man's face, not the kind that costars in Batman Begins) is a true test of man's latent homosexuality. It's not something I spend much time thinking about, but if I had to do something gay with a guy, to save the world or whatever, I can almost envision it with a Clay Aiken or Zack Elfron type. They're hairless and delicate and non-threatening and practically women already, which is why they are so beloved by young/emerging gay men and tween-aged girls, two groups whose sexual preferences are undergoing an evolution between innocent youthful attraction and adult sexual desires.
The logic for straight men forced to contemplate gay sex is something like, "I don't want to do a guy, but if I had to..." A bear though? A big sweaty, hairy, smelly guy with a beard? *shudder* If you can in any way entertain that notion, you are gay. Not even bi-curious. Gay. Or Bi, perhaps, but even then, if your girlfriend wears a lot of cargo pants and flannel shirts, or she looks like Rosie O'Donnell, it's probably time to quit sitting on the fence and officially switch teams.
As for the women who like men, and especially bearded, bear types, congrats. Your double XX chromosomes are in full working order, you are a true credit to your gender. It is only through your sacrifice that the human race still exists to foul this otherwise pristine globe.
Anything remotely catchy in this song is obviously stolen from different popular songs..
What ethnicities do you refer to when you say "Ethnic complexion"? it just struck me as an odd choice of words.. but it might be my non-native English's fault..
true, "ethnic complexion" is a largely meaningless description, but i was trying to sum it up briefly. I can be attracted to sunny, white, blonde women, so long as they're not all bimbo-y, but more generally my eye is caught by Asians, Indians, Spanish, and mixed races. But again, it's more about personality and other factors than looks; I don't find the ubiquitous mixed race hoochie dancer types in rap videos interesting, even though they usually look pretty hot. And yes, I'm stereotyping when I say that female models who specialize in booty-shaking in short shorts aren't likely to have an intellect or personality I'd be interested in. (Of course the feeling is almost certainly mutual, but we're not getting into that.)
