I had dates Sunday and Monday evening, and both went pretty well. I'm not going to talk about Sunday night since I liked her and hope to see her again, which is an entirely realistic possibility at this point. Plus she was very smart and sarcastic and aware, so there's not much weird or wacky to write about. Yet.
Luckily for the blog, Monday night was more entertaining on that front.
She was smart and had a sense of humor, and was aware of the bullshit that goes with online dating. I mailed her last week, she replied a few days later and suggested we meet for a beer, I said sure and suggested a place near Berkeley, she agreed asked if Monday or Tuesday was better, for me, I said Monday, she said 8pm, and that was that.
In my earlier days of online dating (a period that ran from around October, when I signed up, until about um... last week) I wouldn't have considered that sort of accelerated schedule or almost blind date status upon meeting as a viable strategy. I wanted to let them get to know me via my writing, I wanted to read emails from them, I wanted to gradually work up to a phone call and if that went well a RL date, and I wanted to plan cool stuff for the date. Find a fun activity, a restaurant we'd both like, maybe an idea about dessert afterwards, etc.
I was souring on all that preparation even before
events on a date a couple of weeks ago entirely killed the concept. Now I'm very much coming from where the two women I just dated came from. I mailed them (and various others who didn't reply) early last week, they replied a couple/few days later, we were adult and honest about being somewhat interested but not really trusting what we saw online, and we all agreed that it's about the face-to-face meeting. You can email and even phone call forever, but you never really know what it's going to be like until you meet in the flesh. Personality, sense of humor, attraction, chemistry, etc. All can't be adequately replicated in other ways, and all are essential to liking someone enough to take the next step and trying to get to know each other/starting a romance.
This is, of course, anathema for me to admit. I'm a writer, I should be able to communicate my personality through just words, and should be able to draw out or at least divine (between the lines) theirs, from emails. Or at least from a conversation or two. That's what I thought for the first couple of months, anyway, and I had nothing but bad or boring dates with women who weren't at all what I'd been hoping for (and who apparently returned that favor). So now I'm a new me with a new approach to this bullshit, and it involves spending far, far less time in the pre-date foreplay, and cutting right to the chase.
It's not just impatience or a sop to people who can't write/email, either. I'd be quite happy to do emails and texts and such with someone after we meet and like each other. That's a valuable way to learn more about each other and deepen the relationship, and it's enjoyable. But that's with a person when we already know we like each other and want to date more. It's pointless with someone before meeting, since if you don't hit it off in person, all that knowing and sharing and interacting = wasted time. I suppose it could ease the first date meet and greet and give you some more info going in, but I don't think that would ever make the difference in deciding to keep dating or not, since as I said, that's about chemistry and attraction and other things that are only measurable once you're face to face.
The question is, how do I project this to future potential dates, especially the ones I make the first step to contact? Women are in a buyer's market with online dating; there are lots more guys seeking than women accepting, at least on sites that allow pictures and window shopping. (The ratio is supposedly much closer to 50/50 on eharmony.com, since there the match making is all done by computer algorithms and you don't get to pick or choose, or view photos before you make contact. I don't want to be cruel and stereotyping, but it's pretty easy to say that's where goeth all the ugly, fat, shy women who know they won't succeed in an open market. Hence the even-er numbers. Hence me not being there.) Every woman I've dated so far has told me they get tons of emails and winks, most crude and stupid and horrible, most from men who appear fully live up to the quality of their initial communication. One would think it would be easy to stand out in such an undistinguished field, but I've gotten replies to maybe 10% of my emails thus far, while I've replied to more like 50% of the winks or emails I've received from women. Even though 3 of the 4 women I've met who mailed me first were probably not women I'd have mailed myself, if I'd seen their profiles first.
All that said, Monday night's was nearly a blind date. We'd see pics of each other and we both had pretty interesting/informative profiles, but we'd only traded a couple of rather non-interactive emails, and some quick phone texts. That was fine with me, since it was just for drinks, and I had a good enough vibe about her personality and intelligence that I figured I could at least last an hour of chat, with the ready aid of alcohol. I wouldn't have committed an afternoon to her based on our interaction going in -- I've learned that lesson -- but that's what's good about meeting for drinks, or the (inferior) coffee chat. Cheap, informal, and quick, if need be.
The date was fine, but pretty early on I was decided against pursuing her further. She was nice and smart and had a sense of humor, but I didn't feel any sparks or chemistry, and I wasn't attracted to her. She wasn't ugly, but she wasn't especially cute either, and and was dressed in a huge, bulky turtle neck, a fleece ski jacket, and very baggy jeans. She appeared to be slender, under all that camouflage, but who could tell? No makeup, no jewelry. I felt almost overdressed, even though I was just in an Oxford style shirt and slacks. What did I know; I figured the point was to look good for a date? Amusingly, I more jewelry on than she did, with my 2 new ear piercings and a silver necklace. (I only own one necklace and 2 earrings, but I was wearing them both. I can't take out the earrings for another 4 or 5 weeks yet, either.)
I won't play by play the whole thing, since there's no physical action and nothing really weird from the conversation. We got our drinks (I bought the first round) and sat at a quiet table outside, under the heater, and sipped and chatted in agreeable fashion. Forty minutes in she volunteered to get the second round, and per my request, had the bartender make me a mystery drink. I never did find out exactly what was in it, but it was brownish in color, rum-based with a fruity kick, and the date said there was brown sugar and a splash of bitters for variety. I enjoyed it, but not so much that I'd order it again. Even if I knew what it was called. One nice thing about dates is that I can keep trying mystery drinks and maybe I'll find something I like best of all?
So, what about her? Here's the amateur psychology part. Over the course of our conversation the woman revealed to me that she was recently separated from an LTR. They'd been together for upwards of four years, and had broken up in May 2008. She'd instigated the break up, since she loved him and wanted to be with him forever, but he didn't want to marry or have kids, and she did. He refused to change his mind, he didn't want the responsibility or burden, and he was already 43 so he wasn't going to mature into it any time soon. She was 33 or 34, and with her clock ticking she decided she had to cut him loose and try to find her future husband/baby-daddy elsewhere.
The juiciest thing about their breakup is that while they "officially" broke up in May, they lived together until August, when she finally got her own place. She delayed moving out since she was paying most of the bills and she waited for him to land a full time job, but during their 3 or 4 months of roommating, they were still... intimate. I didn't bring it up at the time, but my thought then, and now, is this. How are you broken up if you're still living together and fucking? Maybe she'd decided in her mind that she was going to find someone else, but she couldn't really start looking while she was still living and sleeping with her ex. Who wasn't technically her ex yet. And who, I might add, was getting exactly what he wanted. Retaining emotional and sexual access without having to grow up or worry about marriage or kids. Talk about letting him down easy!
That info didn't come out until well into our conversation, but once I had that much of the rest of her behavior became clearer.
She had really rigid, controlled, uneasy body language. Even crossing the street to the bar, she was walking hunched over with her arms crossed. I met her in front of the bar and she gave me a weak, one armed, slightly surprised and awkward hug, and seemed to have some issues with maintaining eye contact for most of the night. We took our drinks outside and sat at a square table, and for the nearly 2 hours we were there, she never budged from her seat (except when she got up to get the 2nd round), and sat the entire time very upright, legs crossed, arms crossed below her boobs. I sat adjacent to her, but varied my posture frequently. Leaned in, slouched back, turned my chair so I was sideways to the table and could look at her while sitting with my ankle on my other knee, etc. I didn't actually pull up an empty chair for a footrest, but would have been happy to do so if she hadn't been so rigid and uptight with her body language.
The only time she varied her posture was when she talked about her ex. Then she'd uncross her arms and start pulling the neck of her thick turtleneck up over her chin, almost to her nose. She'd pull it up, then let it slowly slide back down, before pulling at it again. Her eyes would wander while she did this, not making much contact with me, and the motion was clearly entirely unconscious. I don't know quite what/why that signified, but it was interesting to observe, when she remained motionless 99% of the time.
This isn't exactly Sherlock Holmes quality work, but I thought it was pretty clear she wasn't at all over him. She still loved him, and she didn't want another guy. She wanted him to change his mind and grow up and accept responsibility. She never showed any anger or frustration with him; and spoke very calmly about things, but she had to be torn up over it, after nearly 5 years and then having to dump him for that reason. I'd guess that she's forcing down a bunch of anger and frustration she'd do better to release, but that speculation has me standing on tip toes on my pop psych shoebox.
One other bit of data for the analysis. As we brought things to a close and got up to head out a bit before 10, I cut right to the chase. I can't quote myself, but I said something like, "So... we had a nice chat, but you've been honest about what you're looking for, and he isn't me."
She was a little put off by my directness, but she rallied fairly soon, perhaps since my tone of voice was very matter of fact and I clearly wasn't broken up over things. She agreed that yeah, that was pretty much the size of things, and the funny part was that once we'd established that, her demeanor totally changed. She got much calmer and looser, and gave me a big spontaneous hug when I walked her out to her car. We ended up talking while standing beside it for another 10 minutes, and she felt far more relaxed and chatty then. It was like a load went off of her shoulders at that point; she wasn't trying to replace her ex, she was just chatting with a guy, and she could be herself. I can't say much about her body language change, since she was standing up at that point, but I metaphorically at least, her arms were uncrossed and she was calm and acting more like herself.
The real irony would be if that version of her was so much more attractive that I was immediately swayed and decided that I wanted to be with her after all. It didn't happen, but it would be a nice punchline if it had.
Also, I want to congratulate myself on the fact that I handled the situation smoothly. I essentially gave her a modified version of "It's not you, it's me." and she bought it. I wasn't interested in dating her, so it was handy that she reciprocated my disinterest, but the way I played it I didn't have to come out and say that. I focused entirely on her interests in an immediate candidate for an LTR, and how that wasn't me, and she took the bait. It wasn't just bait, it was true, but this way I didn't have to reject her or give her any reasons why I was okay with our 2 hour chat being the total of our lifetime interaction. Not that I deserve a medal or anything, but I'm new to dating, so any successes, even in rejection, are noteworthy.
Tragically, I've got no dates lined up going forward, unless/until I can entice Miss Sunday Night into another go 'round. I am going to start sending out more emails this week though, if I can figure some way to work around the obvious contradiction in my newfound attitude. "Let's just cut to the chase and have a drink since it's all face to face that matters. Now look at my profile and see if you're interested."
Labels: online dating, psychology
