I wasn't motivated to write down any notes during the course of reading this final book in the
Twilight series, so this post will adhere closer to my normal review style. If I have a normal review style?
Why no notes? Several factors. I'd already written about most of the incidental issues that bugged me or stirred my curiosity, and I was tired of writing so much about these stupid books. It wasn't just fatigue or ennui though, since most of the things I've been writing about these have been things that annoyed me. This fourth and final (for now) book in the series had less annoying bullshit. It also had a lot more plot and action, so I had less time to meditate on the annoying bullshit while skimming over 20 or 30 straight pages of Bella worrying about if Edward really loved her and if Jacob would remain her friend and if she might regret it once she was a vampire, and if her father and mother would understand, and how she might fake her death since she couldn’t tell any non vampires about it, etc.
The final reason is fairly prosaic. Jinx broke into a rare (for her) long-term lap nap session on me, and forced me to finish off the book. Jinx is always beside me on the bed, but seldom
on me in bed, and almost never on me out of bed. This time she was struck by a sudden lap desire while I was sitting in my seldom-used reading chair in the living room, and once she was settled down, the lights went out. She was motionless, except for a slow rotation onto her back, for about two hours, and since I was feeling lazy about working, and didn't need to pee, and was enjoying the book, I just kept reading. And as I've stressed repeatedly, the books in this series can be read very quickly. I didn't count pages, but I probably did 300+ during Jinx's nap. And she wasn't even done then; I had to kick her off and go change clothes, since my legs had gotten all hot and sweaty under a cover and a cat. But at least the book was done, and I wasn't totally disappointed by the ending. (Though I was by several other non-events during the course of this frustrating, payoff-scene-avoiding novel.)
Scores first, for a change. And yes, this review has spoilers, so beware if you've not read the books and think you might. In this, the 4th book in the series, that's finally a viable warning, since there are actually several plot events you won't see coming 200 pages before they arrive.
Breaking Dawn, by Stephanie Meyer, 2008
Plot: 7
Concept: 6
Writing Quality/Flow: 4/6
Characters: 6
Fun Factor: 6
Page Turner: 7
Re-readability: 5
Overall: 6.5
I gave this one the highest score of the series, and I think it's the best book in the series, on an objective level. I doubt the fangirls think it's the best book in series though, since it's not as romance-centric and concerned (obsessed) with relationship issues and Bella's personal psychological struggles. Which is, I assume, the main selling point, for the true faithful.
I'd have given it higher scores, since it had a fairly good plot and much more stuff happened than the previous books. The problem, for me at least, was that the author cheated the reader out of several of the best scenes, either by having them take place off screen, or else by leading up to grand confrontations, and then sliding past them with disappointing last second plot twists. (Or perhaps I should call them plot un-twists?)
Cheated Reader #1 The first was the big one; the night that Bella and Edward finally have sex. They get married and fly away that night, all the way to Brazil (arriving a day or 2 later, given the travel time). From Rio they take a yacht out to a private island, and there, on their honeymoon, Edward has finally, grudgingly, agreed to try having sex with the human Bella, even though he might lose control in his passion and snap her like a twig. It's time for love, and Edward has left Bella alone in the bungalow. He's outside swimming in the warm ocean, and Bella is inside freaking out over the sexy lingerie her vampire sister-in-law packed for her. She can't decide what to wear, the bikinis are too sexy, so after showering and brushing her teeth and shaving her legs, etc, she finally gets the nerve to walk outside and stand naked beside Edward in the surf. He holds her hand, they kiss... and then it's the next morning and Edward's all guilt-ridden because Bella's got bruises all over her. WTF?
I wasn't expecting some
Valley of the Horses-esque extended porn scene, but JFC, after 3 full books of their chaste hugging and no-tongue kissing and never nudity and not even dry humping, can we at least get some sort of description of how things went? Bella was a virgin, and an inexperienced one. That was the first penis she'd ever seen in person. Much less held, sucked, fucked. (And it's icy cold, as all parts of the vampires are, to the human touch. Dicksicle?) Yet we get none of her thoughts on the issue? Better yet, we found out afterwards that, as I'd suspected, Edward was a virgin too. A 104 year old virgin. One would think the event would have been fairly momentous for him as well. But all he feels afterwards is guilt for bruising Bella. (A little more experience and he'll realize that bruises are just a sign you did it properly.)
Cheated Reader #2 The second big rip off came later on, when the werewolves were all marching to war after they found out that Bella was about to have a vampire baby. (Edward got Bella pregnant, since not only could he get an erection, but he could ejaculate, despite having no circulatory functions and no heartbeat. And she came to term in like, 5 weeks, because that accelerated timeline fit the story.) The wolves found out she was pregnant when Jacob went to visit her, and saw that she was enormously gravid and appeared likely to die from the experience. Yet she refused to try to abort it, since she had a feeling it would turn out okay.
Sam, the alpha male, was appalled by the pregnancy and grew determined to wipe it, and all of the Cullens, out. I was eager for that to happen; not that I thought the Cullens might be wiped out, but because all of books 2 and 3 and the start of 4 were just chock full of constant vampire vs. werewolf threats, insults, bragging about combat prowess, vows to kill if X or Y occurred, discussions of instincts and sworn natural enemies, etc. And yet there hadn't been so much as a sucker punch, a shoving match... anything. I was envisioning a great scene of battle in the vampire house, while Bella screamed for them to stop, and then went into labor in the middle of the war.
Of course nothing actually happened. Jacob, Bella's best friend werewolf, had second thoughts, and as the battle was approaching Jacob realized he could tear himself away from the pack and not follow orders. He argued against Sam, and when he couldn’t convince him Jacob raced off to warn the vampires, throwing all of the wolves into confusion. Jacob's friend joined him, turning Jacob into the alpha male of another pack, and then the friend's sister joined up too, and with 3 wolves defending the vampires the other seven weren't willing to attack their friends and the forewarned vampires. So nothing happened except for the protecting werewolves running patrol laps around the vampire mansion for like, 200 pages. And eating the food the vampires ordered in. And getting to be better friends with the blood suckers.
Bleh.
Cheated Reader #3 The third big rip off was the one the biggest, since it was what the entire last book led up to, and it stole away the promised final showdown. All the evil Illuminati vampires were coming to kill the half vampire baby, since vampire babies were forbidden for centuries, since they were hella cute, but couldn't control their blood lust. It was mistaken identity, since it wasn't a real vampire baby, since it was growing and had a heart beat, etc. But it wasn't clear that the Cullens could convince the Illuminati of that before a battle broke out, and it wasn't clear that it would matter, since the Illuminati were spoiling for a fight.
In an effort to bolster their cause, the Cullens called in all of their vampire friends, along with the werewolves who were now also their friends. They all stood out in this grassy meadow in the forest, the thirty-odd Cullens and friends against the forty-odd Illuminati vampires, and another 40 or so common vampire hangers on/tourists.
This was sure to be the big battle we've been waiting 4 books for, and Bella had made contingency plans to have Jacob run to safety with the baby, and given them cash and fake IDs. And she'd also found new powers of her own, the ability to extend her personal shield over all of her friends, blocking them from any psychic (but not physical) attacks.
The Illuminati wanted to fight, and after their first approach, to kill the demon baby, was rebuffed, they killed some vampire who was a friend of some of the Cullens' friends. That didn't work either, so they had their two mages try to use their long range magical powers, but Bella blocked them all. So they talked some more, and after some random 3rd party vampires gave pointless speeches, the Illuminati backed off and went home to Italy.
No really, that was the big showdown of the entire series. It reminded me of the end of Lord of the Rings, when Aragorn and all his dwindled army marched all the way to the Black Gate and called out Sauron's entire army, and then they talked for a bit and resolved their differences amicably and decided to each go their own way, even though Aragorn knew the enemy forces were sure to attack the minute they saw an opportunity.
Oh wait, that didn't happen, because everyone would have fucking thrown the books into the ocean if there'd been such a fail of a grand finale. Twilight set a far lower standard, so there's less disappointment in the various failings to conclude things, or reward the readers with the big scenes the whole series was building up to.
For the whole goddamned Twilight series, the body count of major characters stood at... 1? None? I think none, actually. A lot of unnamed minor characters got killed; humans we saw only in newspaper articles, hikers found mangled in the forest, dozens of minor enemy vampires who menaced Bella, but not a single sympathetic character was killed in the entire series. One werewolf got seriously injured (his super metabolism healed him in like, four days), and Bella nearly died about ten times while a human, but not a single one of the Cullens ever died or was seriously endangered, and the few named characters who died were all bad guys. Weakness.
Not to
get all Ann Coulter here, but this is why women shouldn't be allowed to write fantasy novels. Women want everyone to get along and reach consensus and be friends, and it hurts them to have characters who geninuely hate each other, and then act upon that hate. Only a few very bad people (vampires) die in Twilight, and those deaths take place almost entirely off screen. Everyone else winds up being friends; better friends than ever, in most cases. The sworn, implacable enemies wind up... still being enemies, but their certain warfare and mass slaughter turns into talk, and then fairly-amicable parting. (Which sets up additional novels in this world, though I hope not to read them simply because all the big scenes that should have been in this one were cheated out of at the last minute, and I don't want to reward that sort of behavior, nor do I trust Meyer not to do it again next time.
Not to make every fantasy comparison about George R. R. Martin, but when he builds up to a big battle scene and fills a book with feuding factions... there's some by god bloodshed before the final curtain falls. Perhaps too much unrelenting bloodshed, at times, but you know things are serious and the stakes are very high. Martin kills off major characters all the time, even nice ones, in heartbreaking ways. Nothing like that ever happens in Twilight, and while I spent the whole series never seriously worrying about Edward or Bella, I was sure that some of the supporting good guys would meet a messy end. I'm not sure why I was sure; I suppose it just never occurred to me that any author would be so in love with her characters that she couldn't do what needed to be done for the good of the story.
In the end, Twilight turned out to far surpass even the wimpy ending of Harry Potter, in non-body count. At least HP killed off one of the redundant identical twin Weasely brothers in the finale. (Though minus points for illogically sparring all of the Malfoys, just to set up that stupid "history repeats itself twenty years later" epilogue.) And of course the HP series had some nice twists and turns along the way, and Rowling threw in the deaths of both of Harry's father figures to salt his wounds.
Bonus Ret-Con A fairly minor point, but it amused me.
Once Bella's a vampire she finds herself watching her daughter dream, and sees the child's dreams in wild colors and vivid sensations. And then Bella's like, "No wonder Edward could just sit and watch me dream all those nights!" This felt like a fix-it to me, since Meyer must have gotten a lot of reader feedback about how creepy/stalkery it was for Edward to just watch Bella sleep, and what a stupid box of rocks he must be to not be bored doing it every night. Solution! He can see her dreams and they're so amazing there's no way anyone wouldn't want to watch them all night long.
Of course that was never mentioned in the previous three books, and it's further complicated by the fact that while Bella's daughter can project her thoughts to anyone, Bella is the exact oppose, and is the only person on earth whose thoughts Edward can't read. Except, apparently, her dreams. When it's convenient for the plot. Three books later.
Mary Sue, You Say? The ending state argues heavily on the Mary Sue camp, as well, when it comes to Bella Swan. As the book ends: she's gorgeous, in total control of her bloodlust urges, deliriously happy in love, has great sex (off screen, always), is richer than can be imagined, has the most perfectly beloved baby on earth (literally), has a great vampire family, still has her human family, has an extended werewolf family, has resolved everything with her werewolf best friend Jacob, and has developed the strongest defensive power any vampire has ever possessed. And none of her friends or family ever died or were even seriously hurt.
Well, that about covers things, then, eh?
Conclusion In the form of a question. One that I asked of the only person I know who has read this whole series.
If bella were written 50% less whiny and self-absorbed, a ruthless editor cut 200 pages of fluff out of each book, and all of the big showdown scenes weren't awkwardly plotted around at the last second or described entirely after the fact... would it be a great series? A good series? Or would it still be largely fluff and hype; like
Underworld written to appeal to thirteen year old girls?
Labels: book review, twilight
