My review of Eclipse, book three in the Twilight series. As was the case in my reviews of Twilight and New Moon, this one is journal style, written in several chunks during the course of reading the book. Each one features my thoughts on the books, their popularity, writing techniques, and other related topics, before getting to an overview and my review scores at the very end.
Eclipse, pages 1-137. Nothing of much interest yet, in this one. It's not as boring as the start of book 2 was, and I have empirical evidence to back up that claim. I started this one at the gym, just as I did book 2, and I read for the same amount of time while doing 55 minutes of cardio on the same two machines. And at the end of that time I was up to page 153 in book 2, while I'm only at 137 in this one. The difference? Not so much boring "Bella is the most heartbroken girl in human history" bullshit to skim over, thus I'm 16 pages off the previous pace. I think the distractions (AKA slender women in tights) were fairly equivalent during both gym sessions.
Anyway, the start of book 3.
Bella is back in love with Edward, his family is living in Shitsticks again, she's got a few months left in her senior year in high school, and is trying to decide if she'll do college, become a vampire as soon as she graduates and can move out. Edward's family voted that she could become a vampire, since the Illuminati Vampires said she has to at some point since mortals can't know their secrets, and they're going to send someone to check. Plus Bella is inexplicably immune to vampire psychic powers, and they think she'll have some amazing abilities once she becomes a vampire and those are amplified by the transformation.
The only question about her becoming one of the Cullen family is when, and by whom. It's very easy to become a vampire in this world. You've just got to be bitten, so the venom on their fangs gets into your system, and then after a few days of thrashing around in agony, you're a vampire. The tricky part is that you've got to live for those 3 days, and most vampires kill their prey shortly after they hit it. They get a bloodlust and can't help themselves. So you've got to get lucky, like a pitchfork-waving mob chases away the vampire, or else you need a friendly vampire to do it, one with enough control to pull himself away rather than finishing you off.
Incidentally, it's never explained how much blood the vampires drink, how often, etc. That their victims almost invariably die is stressed, but do the vampires have some magical ability to hold pints of liquid and literally suck you dry? Or do they just tear the victim apart so that what they don't drink gushes out and goes to waste? Nothing has been mentioned yet about the vampires being able to moderate their needs by sipping it from blood bags, the way it's done in Blade and Underworld and other modern vampire tales. Since the vampires in this mythology can subsist on animal blood, that would seem a very easy solution. Just work in a butcher shop or make a deal with a slaughter house. So perhaps Meyer's vampires must drink it fresh and hot, pumped by a still beating heart. Which could, of course, easily be provided in a slaughter house or on a farm, though that option isn't mentioned. Instead the Cullens go out and hunt bears and mountain lions and such, since it's more macho than just snorting up rabbits like Lindsey Lohan hunched over a toilet seat.
The other early book plot complication is that Bella's former best friend who is now a werewolf is feuding with Edward. Edward doesn't want Bella every out of his reach since he must protect her since there's still one evil vampire trying to catch and kill her. But thanks to an ancient treaty the Cullen vampires can't go into the Indian lands, where the Indian werewolves are now prowling. They're also after the evil vampire, who must be like, fucking suicidal to keep risking her immortal life trying to kill this one girl when the largest vampire family and the largest werewolf pack on earth are both protecting her. If not suicidal, she's definitely stupid, since her plan seems to be to try to run through the forest and right into town, since she knows where Bella lives. How about driving into town and firebombing Bella's house? How about hiring a hitman? If not to kill her, at least to kidnap her and bring her out of the range of her protectors?
There's no hint yet of the ultimate plot of this one, but I'm hoping something big comes up, as it did in book 2. I can't take another 200 pages of Bella feeling torn between her immortal love and her werewolf friend. Her schism is a bit iffy anyway, since on several occasions she's been more than ready to start becoming a vampire right then and there, despite knowing that means she can never come back to Shitsticks since if one of them bites her, even consensually, it breaks the treaty the Cullens have with the local werewolves. One of whom is the friend she's supposedly so concerned about.
I'm not saying that Bella can't or shouldn't want the greatest gift ever. I'm just saying her eagerness for it puts a lie to her, "Oh my poor furry friend Jacob!" since she knows he won't be her friend or ever see her again once she's changed. Which makes the whole "plot" of the early sections of book 3 (and the later sections of book 2), entirely irrelevant.
WvVThe method of combat between wolves and vampires has never been explained (that's probably for the best, as poorly as Meyer writes action sequences). Vampires apparently use just their bare hands (and fangs) when they go into combat. That's plenty for humans, but werewolves are like gigantic wolves, and are as fast and strong as the vampires. So isn't a vampire at a severe disadvantage, with soft human fingers and a tiny human mouth, against a wolf the size of a horse? I guess the vampire could simply tear the werewolf apart if he got a hold of it, but the werewolf could do the same to him, plus the wolf has massive jaws, sharp fangs, and rending claws. One would think the vampires would carry swords, or guns, or wear body armor, or something.
The same thing goes for vampire combat. They just sort of wrestle each other? Again, that's never been explained or seen in the books, thanks to the cheated, disappointing climax of book 1, but how does a vampire fight another vampire? There's much talk of their scary growls, but they don't transform into huge demon bats or anything. And they don't have bigger teeth or wider jaws than any normal human. And none of them seems to have any training in or knowledge of combat or martial arts. If they fight each other to spar, it's never mentioned, and since vampires very seldom fight, and their usual prey are helplessly weak humans... I don't see how a vampire would have the first clue how to fight. They'd be like two overgrown children rolling around in the dirt, scratching and clawing without any real technique. You'd think a smart vampire would invest some time in MMA training, and learn how to break arms and ankles and move an uncooperative enemy into a choke hold. Sure, the other vampire could heal the wounds very quickly, but you break an arm or leg they're going to be greatly slowed, making it all that much easier to tear them apart, etc.
Vampire Sex?Another issue that's never addressed is Edward's sexuality. He was 17 years old when he "died" so he's 17 forever. Isn't he horny? Is horny even possible? There's one brief bit in book one when Bella asks about vampire sex, and Edward says they do it much as humans do. But how? Why? There's never any indication of sexual lust with their attacks on humans; it's just about feeding their blood need.
Furthermore, the vampires in this mythology have no pulse and don't need to breathe. They just do it out of habit, and because they need to breath to use their sense of smell. So if their hearts aren't beating, then how do they function? An organism has to have some means of moving nutrients from the stomach (or wherever the blood is digested) throughout the body. That's what hearts are for; they pump blood which carries oxygen and other essentials from the functional organs out to the extremities. The vamps don't need oxygen, since they don't need to breathe, so how do they heal, if they don't have blood or some sort of circulatory fluid?
Leaving that aside, if they don't have pumping hearts then they don't have blood circulation. So speaking just on the physical question; how can a male vampire get an erection?
Erections (page very NSFW) are caused by blood flowing into the corpora cavernosa and being held there by a muscular contraction. How can a vampire do that, if there's no blood flow, or blood to flow?
Physical issues aside, what about emotional? Do vampires, M or F, get horny? They still seem to engage in heterosexual pair bonding, but is that just a habit, is it purely intellectual/emotional, or is there sexuality involved as well? Edward has said no sex with Bella since he might lose control in his excitement and accidentally kill her, but for all we know that's just an excuse. He certainly never seems to be horny, she never notices anything poking at her when they're doing their long embraces on her bed, or she's sitting in his lap, or they're making out.
Also, is he a virgin? He probably got some before he died of TB at age 17, in the early 1900s. But there's no indication he's ever had sex since. He's never been interested in a human female, the females in his vampire family are sister-like or "involved" with other male vampires, and there's very little socialization between vampires, so I can't see him having dated.
It would be funny and a great plot twist if Meyer actually had followed the vampire physiologically issues through to their logical conclusion, determined that no, they can't get erections. Then constructed Edward's, "I might kill you by accident." excuse as just that. An excuse. He's actually incapable of using his penis for anything other than urination, and he has no sexual urges at all, which is why he's so content just holding and lying next to Bella, why he never has any interest in seeing her naked or caressing her body, etc.
I'd find it incredibly funny if all of his impossibly non-intrusive behaviors -- never pushing for sex, never trying to feel her up, never exposing himself to her, etc -- all those actions (and non-actions) that make him such a safe and wonderful crush for the 14 y/o girls this is written for, weren't just signs of his control and patience, but were physical symptoms of his total asexuality.
I'm sure that won't be the case, and finally in book 4 when he's given Bella her ultimate wish and she's a vampire too and they're married and together forever and blissfully happy, they'll retire to the best sex imaginable. (Which will take place entirely off screen.) But imagine the reactions of readers if physical reality intruded, and once Bella was a vampire she found that she had no physical desire but the urge to drink blood, and realized that all those kisses Edward planted on her were entirely for her benefit, and that they meant nothing to him, and that in his condition he's got no more desire to fuck her than to eat a blueberry muffin. Even if he could get his dick hard. Which he can't. Since lacks a functional circulatory system. I would give book 4 a 10 if Meyer did that, no matter how bad the rest of the series is.
Incidentally, I don't know how the series ends, or I didn't know anything about the plot of the books other than some tidbits about book one that I gleaned from movie reviews. I was told that Edward eventually grants Bella her wish, but I don't know if it's all she hopes it will be. That said, even had I not heard that, I would have absolutely no doubt in my mind that that's what will happen. Bella will wind up a vampire, she'll still be impossibly in love with Edward, and he with her. It's a series of romance novels for pubescent girls. I've never even considered the possibility that there won't be a happy ending.
Time of the monthOne other physical issue the book has never (and will never) address. Menstruation. It's well-established that the vampires are insanely attracted to blood. The sight of it, and the smell of it. Edward is always lingering and sniffing over Bella's neck, wrists, etc. When she got a paper cut and a drop of blood on her finger at her birthday party, the youngest and least controlled vampire went crazy and almost attacked her. So what happens when she's on the rag?
Edward sleeps (well, lies beside her, since he doesn't sleep and has nothing better to do than sit and watch in the darkness while she does) in bed with her most nights. But 3 or 4 or 5 nights a month, she's going to be smelling like prime steak, to him. Not to mention the aroma left in the bathroom trash can, or flushed down the toilet. If a single drop of blood can drive a neutral vampire into a frenzy, the smell of it on her tampon or pad would be impossible to ignore for Edward, to whom Bella's blood smells like the finest nectar on earth.
This issue has never been mentioned, and I'm quite sure never will be, since it's just one of those messy human details that books glide over. I don't need a page on Bella's every bowel movement (though those are literally the only things not so far described in the obsessively diary-like writing style), but her shitting, or not, isn't of any importance to her vampire paramour. Her blood is, and at some times of the month he'd either be unable to be near her with his excitement, or would find her aroma impossibly delicious and would be inseparable. Or something. Anything.
Pages: 138-399. Hark, a plot?After spilling so many words about the first two books in this series, and then all of the remarks about miscellaneous issues I sandwiched into the first update about book 3, I've got little left to say. This book is probably the best one, so far, on an objective scale. Bella hasn't spent hundreds of pages pouting or whining about how her heartbreak is the worst in the history of humanity. Or slobbering and mooning over how impossibly beautiful Edward is, or how their love is the most amazing emotion ever felt in the history of humanity. Dozens of pages of that, but not hundreds.
Plus book 3 actually has something of a plot, beyond Bella's day to day activities and her current emotional state. It's a very simple plot, to the point that calling the minor complications "twists" is something of a misnomer. I assume the book was written deliberately to allow the reader to feel smart, by telegraphing all of the developments so far in advance. I've personally found it fairly frustrating, since it's so obvious what the evil vampires are doing, what's going to happen when their schemes advance a little further, how the heroes are going to react, etc. But maybe I'm giving the general reading audience (of these books) too much credit, and most people are surprised by the revelations, when the characters eventually figure out something the reader (me) knew 50 or 100 pages before.
Looking at how obvious are the turning of the gears is in this book, I'm forced to think back to the one plot twist that I did enjoy, in book two. Was it actually a good twist? Or was it just that I failed to anticipate it as I have all of the others? After all, a "plot twist" is a subjective thing. If you don't see them coming and appreciate them when they're revealed, they're plot twists. If you don't see them coming and they don’t seem logically supported by the rest of the book, then you feel ripped off or manipulated. If you see them coming, you think the book is stupid. So it's not so much the plot twist itself that determines if it's a good turn of writing. It's more about the reader, and the rest of the book.
Semantics aside, I don't claim to have a perfect vision of how the book is going to unfold. It's just that most of the major plot developments are fairly obvious well in advance of their ultimate developments. The ones that aren't totally telegraphed are fun to consider, and at least that gives me something to think about while I'm reading, since the material is so light and easily-digested that my mind never feels especially engaged.
At this point in book three, we know that the evil vampire has made a bunch of new vampires, her own army, to come and kill the Cullens and Bella, since they were involved in the death of her mate. Her obsession with this seems absurdly drawn out, since she's got the whole world to play in and forever to play. "Solipsism" is a great word, but I don't think it's correct in this case. Bella isn't solipsistic, since the whole world really does revolve around her. All the Cullens are obsessed with her, so are the werewolves, and so are the bad guy vampires. It's literally unbelievable, since she never seems 1/1000th as special and amazing as all the other characters make out. I guess we could call the author solipsistic, since Bella is pretty much Stephenie Meyer's Mary Sue, and she's written these books to make the Bella the center of the universe?
I'm not sure that's quite the right use of the word, but it's definitely the situation. And it's not that Bella is the center of everything that's objectionable; it's that she's not deserving of that much attention, since she's not that remarkable or important or smart or beautiful or personable. She's just a fairly average girl with a weird anti-psychic sort of gift, and yet the vampires, werewolves, etc, are all obsessed with and by her. That is a drawback of the plot, since while things are happening, at their causal level (the amazing Bella Swan) they don't really make any sense.
At any rate, the good guy vampires are readying for an attack by the horde of evil vampires, and the werewolves are going to help them, since they all love Bella, and they want to kill bloodsuckers. I saw this collaborative battle coming from about page 50, when the first very obvious hints were dropped that the evil vampire was raising her own army up in Seattle. Needless to say, none of the supposedly brilliant characters realize it until about page 360, and they never consider that the enemy might come at them, instead of placidly and cluelessly waiting for them to bring the war to Seattle, until about page 380.
This complicates my guessing about the plot twists, since I think of events that would be really cool (what I'd do if I were the author), and then I lose confidence in them when I remember who the author is and who her target audience is. I was certain (and hopeful) that there would be some losses to the good guy vampires in book one, after the way Meyer spent the second half of the book building up the reputation of the evil vampire. And then when the confrontation came, he was disposed of, effortlessly, without so much as scratching any of his killers.
In book 3, with the big fight coming up between the evil vampire horde and the Cullens + the werewolves, I'd write it with massive casualties on both sides. Actually, I'd have had part of the battle already; I'd have had a small squad of the evil vamps infiltrate and attack during the big graduation party, when the Cullens were relaxed and off their guard, and there were tons of innocents to get in the way and slow down the good guys. Needless to say, that didn't happen.
So now the psychic Cullen vampire says the bad guys will come in a pack in 4 days, and the Cullens and the werewolves are in an unprecedented partnership, and are out in the woods at night practicing so they can coordinate their efforts. I'm quite sure there will be a big fight, and I'm quite sure the good guys will win. They'll have to take some casualties, but I’m afraid it'll be like the big battle at the end of Harry Potter book 7, or every scene in Transformers 1, where the good guys win with like 1 casualty, despite the fact that the bad guys massively outnumbered and outgunned them. At an absolute minimum, Bella and Edward will survive, but if I had to bet I'd say that no more than 2 of the Cullens die, and none of the important werewolves. Though possibly Jacob will die, just to provide a convenient solution to the awkward love semi-triangle that's developed.
If I were writing the book, it would be very different. I'd have the good guys win after a tough fight, and just as the Cullens start their bittersweet celebration, hugging their survivors and cradling their dead, the surviving werewolves would break their ancient truce and turn on them, taking the opportunity to wipe out all of the vampires in one swoop. In that scenario Bella and Edward would have to flee, and they'd be trapped and at the mercy of Jacob... who would let his love for Bella color his judgment, and would show a moment of softness and spare Edward's life, (perhaps even killing one of his pack-mates to do so) since Edward's the one Bella really loves and Jacob couldn't kill the man (vampire) who makes her happy. Even though he (Jacob) wants Bella for his own. And then just as Jacob lets them go, some of the Italian Illuminati type vampires descend from above, slaughter Jacob, and demand that Edward turn Bella into a vampire immediately, or they'll kill them both, as promised/threatened in book 2.
That would be a (series of) plot twists that I'd really enjoy. But I think it's far too ruthless and serious and adult for this book, which is why I'm betting on scenario #1; some Harry Potter-esque conclusion where all of the bad guys are disposed of with almost no losses to the good guys, and no lasting changes to the state of equilibrium that's been established throughout books 1-3. Bleh.
I'll find out soon enough, even though this book still has, improbably, over 200 pages to go. Even with the simplicity and speed of Twilight reading, that's more than an hour's work.
Gym Reading ComplicationsOne amusing side effect of the speed with which this fluff can be read, is that I have to plan ahead for the gym. I do about an hour of cardio every time, and I must have enough reading to take me through that whole session. These books go nicely with exercise, but they read so fast that I have to count pages to be sure I have enough left to occupy me through my whole workout. Two days ago when I was nearing the end of book two, I was all ready to leave for the gym, when I realized I only had about 75 pages left, with another 20 of so after that giving a special preview of book 3.
That wasn't enough; I'd have hardly gotten into my elliptical session when I finished the book. I knew I wouldn't want to reread earlier sections. And I knew I didn't want to carry two big hardcover books to the gym with me. So I had to sit down and speed read the last few chapters before I could leave. It actually became a sort or race at the end, since from July 1-5 there's a state fair at the fairgrounds on the other side of the freeway from my apartment. They shoot off fireworks every night after dark, at around 9:30. The show lasts about 15 minutes (I assume it'll be longer tonight, on the actual 4th of July) and as soon as it's over the roads become totally gridlocked, as everyone runs for their cars and squeezes into the freeway via an onramp that is entirely inadequate for that big a crush of traffic. I have to pass over that same onramp myself to get to the gym, so it's essential that I leave before 9:45, and that I return after 11, when the last of the going home traffic has cleared out.
And yes, I could have taken them both and read the last of book 2 in my car in the gym parking lot. Or just grabbed one of the various non-fiction books I've got sitting around to be read. But I wanted to finish book 2, and take book 3 with me to the gym! I don't set a lot of goals in life (much to my detriment) but I do set some for reading, and even more unusually, I tend to stick to them. And my goal in this case was clear. Which is why I flashed through the last 25 pages of book 2 while ignoring the explosions and flashes of light washing over my back patio. Fortunately (?), nothing of any consequence or interest took place at the end of book 2, so my less than total concentration was not a factor in reducing my enjoyment of the work.
Eclipse: Final.RIP OFF! So comes the big battle, and not only did Meyer avoid doing anything interesting or plot twisty, she even watered down Rowling's watered down, happy, friendly, peaceful, only bad guys get hurt, bullshit. (Which was disappointing from Rowling, since she'd been pretty realistic on most things until she wimped out at the end.) Not one of the good guys died, not one of the vampires was even hurt. Just Jacob the love triangle werewolf, and he only got crunched a bit, when the battle was all but over and he had every other werewolf and vampire there to rescue him. And then the vampire doctor to help heal him.
Better, or worse, the Italian Illuminati vampires did show up right after the battle was over, just in time to not see a trace of the werewolves, who they didn't suspect at all. Even though the book has a thousand times stressed that the werewolves smell horrible to the vampires. So the Illuminati vampires are standing around, being smug and gloating, and giving some grudging props to the Cullens for wiping out the whole mob of evil, untrained, mess-making vampires, and they never wonder about the incredible stink of wolf everywhere, or hear a mention of wolf from the one evil vampire who surrendered. Nor do they give the Cullens any shit about Bella still being human, or even give an ultimatum for her to be changed to a vampire, etc. They just talk for a minute and then wander off. There's not even any menacing mention of them stopping by Shitsticks for a quick snack, just to fuck with Bella's head. Nope, they're happy to just head right back to Italy.
Lame!
Far more annoying was the pre-battle, all of which Bella spent whining and worrying and dithering over the upcoming fight, worrying about Edward, worrying about Jacob, worrying about how she'd feel if either of them got hurt, etc. I'd been annoyed with her previously, but not until near the end of book 3 did I start to hate her. It's not so much that I want her to die, I just want her to stop being such a whiny bratty little bitch. Stop ruining these mediocre stories with your sniveling twatery!
Plot or not?One related thought. I think I was too harsh on Meyer with my earlier comments about the books lacking a plot. They don't entirely lack a plot, it's just far too flimsy and uneventful a plot to sustain such a long narrative. A really good writer would have packed so many more events and occurrences into these books than Meyer did. Or if written with the same plot, the 4 books of 500+ pages each would have been 2 or 3 books of, at most, 300 pages.
That said, these books aren't about the plot. They're about the characters, or more specifically, about the emotions felt by Bella. The emotions of the males are always very simple and straight forward. They love her, they want to win her over, and their only contradictions and difficulties come from warring against their own natures, or wanting what's best for her. Bella is the one who is constantly a simmering stew of contradictory and warring emotions, and vast chunks of the books are spent entirely in her head as she flips and flops and changes her mind and regrets earlier decisions, and talks herself out of hard choices, etc.
I made some comments elsewhere in these notes about how these books are targeted to girls. Not women. The usual saying is that something separates the men from the boys. The Twilight books separate the genders, and further separate the women from the girls. Not so much chronologically, but emotionally and psychologically. Mature women just wouldn’t find that much to like about these, unless they could really go back to their youthful, indecisive, insecure, love-addled mindset. That's not necessarily a bad thing; we can all enjoy simple, childish pleasures from time to time. But I'd hate to think of a mature, competent woman getting all Twilight fangirl, since it would be an indictment of her own fragile psychological state.
As for men, I'm not sure. I'm kind of enjoying them, but I wouldn't have paid for them or gone to the effort of checking them out of the library. I'm only reading them since Malaya had the four-pack sitting in her bookcase, and I saw it there on a cat-trading visit, and thought to ask her to borrow it over the summer while she was out of town. I'm not alluding disparagement about her psyche by the fact that she owns these books; she buys tons of books and has always been a big gothic romance vampire book fan, so there was no way she couldn't have read these at some point. (Plus she usually uses my "Buy crap!" link, thus giving me 4% cash back on her buys.) My point wasn't that reading them is bad (naturally I'd say that, since I’m reading them) but that any woman over the age of about 17 who becomes a huge fan and obsesses over it or gets all love struck for one or more of the characters is advertising their own psychological immaturity.
I'm not sure that simply liking or emphasizing with Bella is a bad sign, psychologically speaking, but I'd regard it with a bit of suspicion. She's not without redeeming qualities, and I'm sure the author thinks she's the most wonderful character in all of fiction, but I think the series would be, objectively speaking, improved by giving it less reliance on time spent inside of Bella's dithering, dipsy head.
Scores, at the last.
Eclipse, by Stephanie Meyer, 2007
Plot: 6
Concept: 7
Writing Quality/Flow: 5/6
Characters: 6
Fun Factor: 4
Page Turner: 6
Re-readability: 4
Overall: 6
I used the scores for book 2 as my template, and found myself ticking most of them up a notch or two. This is definitely the best book of the lot, simply because it had the most plot and the most activity. At the same time, I realize I'm being worn down by the familiarity of things. If I'd just picked up this book without knowing anything about it, I'd never have gotten through the whole thing. It's an overlong holocaust of emotional whinging, and if I hadn't gotten to know the characters and didn't find myself harboring some vague curiosity for exactly how things are going to turn out in the end, I wouldn’t have finished this one, and I certainly wouldn't have scored it so well.
I almost feel like I’m rating this one compared to the others in the series, the way my scores for chop socky martial arts movies are only relative to other chop socky martial arts movies. In objective movie terms, a chop socky movie that gets an 8 is equivalent to about a 4 in a real world movie, but they're such low budget cheese fests that they can't be evaluated by the same criteria without flattening their scores into a meaningless smudge at the bottom of the scale. The Twilight books aren't quite that bad, but the best of them is nowhere near as good as any competently-written love story or occult tale.
That said, they're better than Anne Rice's vampire stories. I've never made it more than 50 pages into any of her gothic schmaltzes, and here I've read 3 books in the Twilight series in a week. True, I can read 200 pages of one of these in the time it takes to get through 50 pages of an Anne Rice novel, not even counting all the stops and starts her florid, torrid prose gives me, but Rice has more plot in 50 pages than Twilight has in 200, so that should even things out.
Labels: book review, twilight
