BlackChampagne -- no longer new; improvement also in question.: Cause today is my birthday...
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Cause today is my birthday...
A few days ago I had vague plans to get drunk and launch into a melancholy missive, bemoaning my (self-induced) situation and the miserable day I was going to have on this annual June 20th occasion.
Another wasted year, sliding inexorably into the "good shape for my age" range, cock declared legally dead, working mostly on bullshit I don't really care about and not doing a very good job at that, just broke up with my best friend, etc. But then yesterday I got a headstart, at least on the alcohol, and instead of getting maudlin I got really giddy. I was happy and playful, chasing the cats around the apt, and I even enjoyed sitting through a really bad action movie (Wanted). The late afternoon/early evening passed in a flash, and when I got the urge to go shopping at around 8pm, I quickly got dressed and headed out.
I wasn't still drunk; no trouble walking a straight line or anything, but I felt very mood altered. Still quite gleeful and jovial, but with something of a "devil may care" attitude. I probably should have gone to a single's bar (are there still such things?) since I was feeling zero pain, but was mentally sharp; I'd have been as verbally quick and witty as I ever am, which is pretty darn, I must admit. Not that clever repartee has ever landed me female companionship before. (Once I get to know them, yes. But at the start most women seem to much prefer an ordinary, non-interesting, not-that-bright vibe.)
I didn't, I just hit Costco for a case of beer and various birthday fruit treats (pineapple, grapes, blueberries, strawberries), and then picked up a yoga mat at Target and some clearance clothing at Ross. Nothing in my trip was out of the ordinary, but I enjoyed it, in my post-drunken state. I could see how junkies are made; all the stupid minor bullshit that one endures when venturing forth into the real world became utterly meaningless. I didn't care that the cashier at Target stared like the RCA dog when I gave him $40.03 to pay my $28.78 total. I didn't actively root for someone to clothesline the running, shrieking 8 y/o at Ross. Admittedly, the fat wandering white people shoveling down the free samples while they left their carts to clog the aisles at Costco still vexed me a bit, but I just imagined pushing my cart into theirs and racing off to the front of the store while they panted after me, rather than my usual pleasant DIAF visions. On the whole, it was one of the more pleasant shopping excursions I've ever had, and that was entirely because of my mood.
Later in the evening I eschewed any further alcohol, and rather than doing my usual "some work with some wasting time and a lot of self-loathing over not doing more work" I just blew off work entirely and had fun watching another movie, doing some online reading I'd been saving up, playing a few games, etc. And that was a lot of fun too, since I felt no guilt about not writing, or at least doing some website work.
During that time, and now today, I remained in a pretty good mood. Yes, most things suck right now, and yes, it's entirely on me to do things to make them not suck, but at least I've got that choice. It could be worse, and it's quite likely that one day it will be. But for now things aren't so bad, and the only thing holding me back is me.
So here's my birthday song, chosen mostly for the "birthday" in the lyrics, rather than the overall gloomy, intense mood. Which I also appreciate, but in an objective sense, rather than a "being there myself" sense, as was the case for most of the past week or two.
